For years it was like this for me and I remember not wanting to take the girl's clothes off. I always was content at night when I was dressed and I felt natural and that it was so right for me to be wearing girl's clothes. I felt the clothes were a way to be in touch with the girl I felt I was. I wondered why I had such feelings and it was quite a struggle for me and it was a very confusing time as I approached my teenage years. I remember being very depressed as my voice started to change and I started growing as a typical male while my friends who were girls were blossoming into young women. I cried so much during these years because I was so desperate to become a girl and I knew that it wasn't going to happen. It was the time I really wanted to die because I felt cheated in my life. I felt that I was cursed with a female mind and a body that wasn't true to who I was. After struggling with these feelings I had to find a way to learn what was going on with me. I remember a breakthrough I had when I was at the local library and I read an article about Christine Jorgensen who was a male to female transsexual. I knew when I read her story I could relate and that I too was so inclined to be considered transsexual. I really did not fully understand the gravity of the situation but I knew I had to explore what I needed to do. I was always trying to read all I could about transgender and transsexualism and I remember reading about Dr. Harry Benjamin who was an expert in this area and he prescibed a protocol that transgendered individuals must adhere to before they are considered for hormone treatments and sex reassignment surgery.
Life for me was like a mine field. I was doomed no matter what! I was either forced to live my life out as a male until I die which to me is not what I want or I begin the process to transition so I can find true happiness and match my physical presence with my inner feelings. It would be a long road I would have to travel and it would be a rocky one at best. To me transgendered individuals are people who are misunderstood and I believe they should be treated with love and compassion. It is a very real medical condition and it affects a good number of people and most transgendered people are married with families who are hard working people, professional and special in so many ways. I believe it is time that transgendered individuals start to find acceptance and respect. There should never be shame or guilt associated with being transgender. As I write this I feel that I am finally being honest with who I am and I am finally coming to terms with it. It has taken me so long to find an inner peace and self acceptance. I have always known of my situation but I tried to deny it and repress it because I felt tremendous guilt and shame. I was also trying to escape this most difficult situation and had considered finding a way out so I did not have to live in pain. I wanted desperately to tell someone and find acceptance. I could not do this alone anymore. It was killing me and taking all the good I could give away. I was finding myself hoping to die to escape the pain and lonely isolation.
I have always valued my family and I am slowly gaining acceptance from my wife and son. I have discussed my feelings and the pain I felt all throughout my life with them both. I am so very proud of my son because he understands and he is very sympathetic. It is very difficult for me to express this side of me with my son but I feel it is very important to do so and it is something my therapist said I need to do. My wife has known for a while but she was hoping it was a phase. It was never a phase for me. I knew from the beginning that I had no control over this. I was born this way. I would never choose to be transgendered. I am transgendered because God made me this way. It is not easy to identify as transgendered and I only hope that I can find acceptance in all aspects of my life so I can make the right decisions that will help me to be a better person and find what I always needed which is a good support system to help me transition to become a female which is what I have always been in my mind. I did not choose to be transgendered but I have to do what I have to otherwise I will lose the will to go on and most certainly will die of a broken heart if I was forced to live the rest of my life as a male which is not what I am in my mind, my heart and my soul. Once I am whole and can relate as a female completely I feel I will be a much happier person and I will be more able to help my son and that is what I have always wanted from the beginning since I started writing this blog. I find the title of the blog a bit ironic but even if I am able to transition to become a female which to me is a necessity I will still be the father to my son only I will appear more feminine and will be much more content. I believe in my mind, my heart and my soul I will be far more able to help my son as a woman and I will still be his biggest supporter and I will always love him and my wife with all my heart. I am transgendered but that does not change who I am as a person. I am still a loving, caring and hard working person and I will still be that same person only I will be much more happier and I will then be able to support my son in ways I could not in the past. My blog will still be a resource I use to help my son and I will still continue to write and I will still be as expressive in my writing and the love I hold within my heart for my son and family.
Edward D. Iannielli III