the difficult part of feeling alone is the painful isolation and the struggle with depression. i truly believe as we get older we are more prone to depression and feelings of loneliness and that is very difficult to cope with. facing reality may be one of the toughest things we have to deal with and when faced with adversity and struggling with emotional and internal pain only complicates matters.
the things that make me happy are the outings with my son, seeing my son smile, the dining out with my wife and family on those special occasions, taking family trips, presenting my true self, wearing pretty clothes, feelings of accomplishment, finding acceptance, making a friend, walking by the seashore, listening to the golden oldies, remembering the fun times of my childhood, feeling love within the family even if it is dysfunctional and learning that we all are special in our own way and despite our differences we are each unique and should never feel ashamed.
it is quite a struggle when as a small child you feel different and that something is not right but you have no one to talk to and you keep it inside. It really is a very painful experience to go through life struggling constantly with your gender identity and making it seem like everything is fine when deep down you are crying and feeling lost, alone and very isolated. many transgender people sadly don't really get to realize their true selves with all the obstacles they face. it is a tragedy when someone who is transgender faces rejection, abandonment of family, friends, employers and as a result for many, their hopes, dreams and goals are thwarted due to ignorance and societal standards and pressures that the only way to end their pain is to take their life. It is a fact that transgender individuals suffer all throughout their life and for some it is just too much to bear that they decide they can't go on and they lose the will. Why is it so hard for society to understand that sometime a child born male anatomically is really female in their mind, heart and soul. To me it makes perfect sense because that is how i felt all my life and i lived in secrecy, in pain and in denial and it just is a very sad situation.
for many transgender they live their life with a painful secret and try to fit the mold they were born into and carry on with their lives finding love, having a career, raising a family and being what society says they should be. The issue with this is that not everyone born male feels comfortable as male. on the outside they are but on the inside they are female and spend their whole life struggling with this until they come to accept themselves and finally transition to finally be set free. I remember when I was just a kid how wonderful i felt putting on a dress and sleeping under the covers the whole night with it on. only i knew it and it was something i had to keep my biggest secret. i felt so happy and knew i was a girl in every way inside and had to face the painful reality that i had to be raised a boy and i cried and hurt inside but i tried my best to cope and live a normal life. i must say that i have been blessed with having a family of my own. i have a supportive wife who realizes this is real and a son who i love and will always try my best to be their for him and i have felt tremendous guilt springing this on my family because i never wanted to ever hurt anyone.
Suicide and depression
i am comfortable presenting as a female and i will live this way for the rest of my life because that is who I am. i have touched people as they have touched me with their acceptance and I also have been shunned by people who just can't accept or understand it. i don't judge others and i never did. only God can judge us and so i live the life i feel is right for me and that is dressing in pretty clothes, wearing lite makeup, taking care of my skin and finally getting my hair styled in a female style as i am growing it out and hopefully can put the wig aside.
i also have a commitment to my family and must forge on despite the recent setbacks i have recently faced after losing my job and losing a sense of myself and winding up in different hospitals on 4 separate occasions within the past 3 months due to my depression and transgender issues i struggled with for my whole life. i have always been a strong person but it was a quiet strength and it kept me going and i must summon that strength because when you are faced with the reality of possibly losing your house and realizing that it is going to be very difficult finding a job being transgender even as a professional that i desperately have to focus on my depression which for me has been chronic and very painful. i was good at hiding it but since i hit 50 it became harder and harder for me to keep my gender identity secret and realized it was now or never and for me i did not want to go to my grave never being true to myself. to me that would be very tragic. i am doing all i have to so i can heal but it will take time and i must rely on services that will help protect my family.
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my son is my most precious gift and i wish for him to find his way and happiness in life and although he is diagnosed with autism he can do many wonderful things. I had to hide my whole life and pretend and i would never want that to happen to my son.
Boy's town hotline for families in crisis
life is to be lived, to be shared, to learn, to achieve, to take responsibility, to feel pain, to feel joy, to work, to have fun, to marry, to raise children, to buy a house, to be true to oneself and to find your happiness.
we come into the world welcomed and loved by family and hopefully leave this world loved, respected and accepted by family.
life is to be lived but once so find who you are and be your very best.