I withdrew from others and pretended to be happy though I was plagued with sadness and depression my whole life because I was transgender and I could not tell a single soul. I had no support system. I had no medical professional to reach out to. I felt very insecure and was always throwing myself into my school work to escape my isolation and found that I luckily was able to do pretty well. I was very serious with my studies because my parents taught me that to suceed you had to be comitted to your school work and you had to try your best always and this was a common theme for me. It was what helped me to cope and survive despite my inner pain. I was closed off emotionally but was able to carry on and forge a life though it was not what I felt or wanted. I had to create an illusion. I had to be male in my approach to life since that was my appearance and how the world perceived me. They did not know what was going on from within. How could they? How could anyone for that matter? If I was not able to express how I felt how would anyone know? I was deeply affected by this pretend game I found myself entrapped in but I did not know how to escape it other than to dress up in total isolation with no one but myself knowing. This was my reality. This was my life and I was so used to it because I knew no other way. I was frustrated. I was sad. I was dying on the inside but I had to fight it and had to pretend I was ok but i knew I wasn't. I just faked it. I was always good at faking it. I came to a point where I could no longer fake it. It was a fight of my life and for my very survival.
You don't know what it is like to want to die because the pain is so intense. I truly wanted to die and I planned my suicide on many occasions. I planned it with such careful and deliberate thought to make it seem like anything but a suicide. Deep down in my heart I never truly wanted to take my life. I just wanted to be free of my pain. I wanted to be Emily! I would truly be so happy if everyone got to meet Emily and see what a sweet girl she is. I am that sweet girl and that is what I always knew and felt in my heart and my mind. I can't help it. It is just who I am. I can tell you that Emily is just as sweet as Edward and the two are really the same. You will see that if you just give me a chance to show you all the real me. The me I had to hide and never reveal. This to me was so very painful and so very unfair. Why did it have to be this way? Why did it have to be 47 years before I finally said enough is enough! I could not fight this anymore. If I did I certainly would die and that is not what I want at this juncture in my life. I want a fresh start. I want complete and total acceptance. I want to be free! I want to be happy! I want to be me, Emily. That is all I ever wanted. I also want my family and my friends to stick with me and realize this is what i have to do, what i need to do and what I must do to ensure my very own survival. I want to see my son grow up and become a man and go to college and marry. I want him to be happy and i want to be an active part of his life as his father and as a girl.
I will never hurt my son. I just want him to understand that life is not so simple and we all are not perfect. I want him to know I love him and I will always love him. I love his mother too, my wife who also is very special to me and with her and Matty in my life I will be so very happy! I do understand, however if my wife can not accept this and then I will have to make the painful decision to set her free so she can find her own happiness. I would never force this way of life on her. I will still support her and provide a house for her and a college education for our son. That is my responsibility which i gladly accept. She will have no fear of me leaving her. i will never abandon her. I have several life insurance policies for her and Matty in the event I die and I need to have this in place because I love my wife and I will always love my wife and my son. They mean everything to me. i want them both to be happy just like I want to be happy. That is after all what we all want in our life. i don't care about the material things. I never did. Yes I need a car and we need a house and we have those things. I realize we need that but I don't feel I need to live a life devoted to material things. I never did and I never will. I just want to be able to live my life as I need to and still be loyal to my family and have the opportunity to work, make a good living, have a career and support my family and be able to live my life as Emily.
Life is too short to live in pain for a lifetime. I need to find my happiness and I need to transition so I can finally be me, Emily. That is all I ever wanted in my life, to finally be me.