The importance of expression

As I reflect and start to realize all the recent developments in my life I am truly appreciative and filled with a hope I once never could imagine I would ever experience. It has been a long road filled with many obstacles and unfulfilled wishes, hopes, dreams and realities for me, personally. If I could tell you all the things I had wished and hoped to have accomplished by now my list would be very long and it would be obvious I did not live up to my intended plans. I was detoured and found myself travelling on roads that led away from where I truly needed to go. Don't ask me why? I truly planned in my heart and my mind I would take the proper steps to ensure I was heading in the right direction. I actually do know why I got detoured and lost along the road of life. The short answer is because I was afraid! I was afraid to accept my situation. I was afraid I would lose all the people I love in my life. I was afraid I would face rejection and loneliness. I was afraid I would lose my opportunity to work and practice as a professional. I was afraid of never meeting someone to marry and raise a family with. I was afraid I would not be strong enough to hold up and be strong to my convictions. In my heart I knew what I needed to do but in my mind I was not yet prepared for many reasons. In my youth I was not yet ready emotionally to embark on such a journey and was held back for family related issues.

I so desperately wanted to be understood and express what was going on inside of me but it was not that easy. You see, I never was able to ever open up about my situation and I felt all alone and the only times I felt happy was when I could get all dressed up in such pretty clothes. For me when I wore a dress I was a new person. I was completely immersed in my own version of what I thought I should be as a woman. I knew from the age of 4 that I really was a girl. It was quite obvious for me to come to this reality. For others in my life it was never obvious nor was it ever known. I never had a confidante. I could never find someone to open up to and share my secret with. I was all alone and I was scared. It was such a difficult way to live and sometimes I wonder how I managed. I can tell you that I was very good at portraying an image and pretending to be someone I could never truly identify as. I dressed the part though to me it was very difficult because I was not happy. I wore clothes that made no sense to me. Imagine a girl having to wear guys clothes her whole life never expressing her self the way she was meant to. Girls are supposed to wear pretty clothes and dress up and enjoy such wonderful things. That is how I always felt. I was supposed to wear dresses and feel pretty to match my internal feelings and needs. I could not express my true self. I was trapped with no one to turn to and I was all alone and I just wanted to cry and be heard but I was much to shy and could not speak for myself. I was not yet ready and i was not strong enough emotionally.

I withdrew from others and pretended to be happy though I was plagued with sadness and depression my whole life because I was transgender and I could not tell a single soul. I had no support system. I had no medical professional to reach out to. I felt very insecure and was always throwing myself into my school work to escape my isolation and found that I luckily was able to do pretty well. I was very serious with my studies because my parents taught me that to suceed you had to be comitted to your school work and you had to try your best always and this was a common theme for me. It was what helped me to cope and survive despite my inner pain. I was closed off emotionally but was able to carry on and forge a life though it was not what I felt or wanted. I had to create an illusion. I had to be male in my approach to life since that was my appearance and how the world perceived me. They did not know what was going on from within. How could they? How could anyone for that matter? If I was not able to express how I felt how would anyone know? I was deeply affected by this pretend game I found myself entrapped in but I did not know how to escape it other than to dress up in total isolation with no one but myself knowing. This was my reality. This was my life and I was so used to it because I knew no other way. I was frustrated. I was sad. I was dying on the inside but I had to fight it and had to pretend I was ok but i knew I wasn't. I just faked it. I was always good at faking it. I came to a point where I could no longer fake it. It was a fight of my life and for my very survival.

You don't know what it is like to want to die because the pain is so intense. I truly wanted to die and I planned my suicide on many occasions. I planned it with such careful and deliberate thought to make it seem like anything but a suicide. Deep down in my heart I never truly wanted to take my life. I just wanted  to be free of my pain. I wanted to be Emily! I would truly be so happy if everyone got to meet Emily and see what a sweet girl she is. I am that sweet girl and that is what I always knew and felt in my heart and my mind. I can't help it. It is just who I am. I can tell you that Emily is just as sweet as Edward and the two are really the same. You will see that if you just give me a chance to show you all the real me. The me I had to hide and never reveal. This to me was so very painful and so very unfair. Why did it have to be this way? Why did it have to be 47 years before I finally said enough is enough! I could not fight this anymore. If I did I certainly would die and that is not what I want at this juncture in my life. I want a fresh start. I want complete and total acceptance. I want to be free! I want to be happy! I want to be me, Emily. That is all I ever wanted. I also want my family and my friends to stick with me and realize this is what i have to do, what i need to do and what I must do to ensure my very own survival. I want to see my son grow up and become a man and go to college and marry. I want him to be happy and i want to be an active part of his life as his father and as a girl.

I will never hurt my son. I just want him to understand that life is not so simple and we all are not perfect. I want him to know I love him and I will always love him. I love his mother too, my wife who also is very special to me and with her and Matty in my life I will be so very happy! I do understand, however if my wife can not accept this and then I will have to make the painful decision to set her free so she can find her own happiness. I would never force this way of life on her. I will still support her and provide a house for her and a college education for our son. That is my responsibility which i gladly accept. She will have no fear of me leaving her. i will never abandon her. I have several life insurance policies for her and Matty in the event I die and I need to have this in place because I love my wife and I will always love my wife and my son. They mean everything to me. i want them both to be happy just like I want to be happy. That is after all what we all want in our life. i don't care about the material things. I never did. Yes I need a car and we need a house and we have those things. I realize we need that but I don't feel I need to live a life devoted to material things. I never did and I never will. I just want to be able to live my life as I need to and still be loyal to my family and have the opportunity to work, make a good living, have a career and support my family and be able to live my life as Emily.    

Life is too short to live in pain for a lifetime. I need to find my happiness and I need to transition so I can finally be me, Emily. That is all I ever wanted in my life, to finally be me.

Love,

Emily

My thoughts on Life, Family, Struggle and Friendship

I have learned so much about life, responsibility, family, friendship, tragedy, joy and struggle. It seems we all have to have some struggles in our life just to remind us that we are human. It is what defines us and gives us character. We all must rise to the occasion no matter how difficult the situation we are in may be. Life is a testing ground and we must try our absolute best to deal with all that comes our way. We also must realize that we are not alone and that we must always seek someone to talk to when we feel like things are a bit overwhelming. We do not have to feel ashamed to seek help in our life. We all must realize that it is much better to talk our feelings to someone we trust than to keep them bottled up inside of us. What good would that do for us? It is very unhealthy to feel we have to face our problems alone and to get so down that it affects every aspect of our life. We have to be strong in our mind and know that we are just as important as anyone else and we should never let our feelings of despair bring us to a bad place. We have to trust in ourselves and believe that we can do anything we set our mind to. Life is a beautiful thing and despite the struggles we may face we must realize this because we only have one life and when we realize our own mortality we have to know that each and every day we get to wake up and share with our family and our friends is a blessing that we should always be grateful for.

I have a son who is such a joy in my life but he can certainly have his moments where he can test my patience but I understand this knowing what he deals with every day. I am very patient with him because I love him and I want to let him know that I truly understand him even though I will never really know what he is going through. The same can be said for me as my son loves me too and he accepts me for who I am even if he can never truly understand what it is like to be transgender. He still is my son and I still am his dad and that will be forever. My wife is very good with helping our son get through those difficult moments and she dedicates her life to helping autistic children which I think is a wonderful thing and I am so very proud of her and her commitment to our son and to all the autistic children and adults she helps every day on her job.

I also realize how important it is to have really good friends in our life. If we had no one to talk to we would feel very sad and it would bring us into a depression that no one ever wants to go through. It is so very painful and the best medicine for that is a good friend to talk to just to listen and understand us. We all want to have a good friend we can relate to and bear our inner most secrets to. A friend like that is hard to find and when we do find such a friend we should be truly grateful because that is a very special thing.

Family is the most important connection we have to our identity, our feeling of being safe and our need to feel loved and respected. When we have a loving and supportive family we find we can thrive in our life and we should never feel we have to face our struggles alone. We must know that our family will help us through the low points and celebrate with us the high points. We must always treasure the memories of family and appreciate the life we have. We are all special in the eyes of God and no matter what our weaknesses and frailties are we must realize that God loves us and will always understand. We just have to believe this and have faith. God will help us through any difficulty if we truly believe.

I have many views of life and what it is like to have personal struggle. For the longest time I felt all alone in my life never ever thinking things would ever be resolved but as I am older now and addressing my feelings I now realize there are people who truly do care and are there to help and that means so much to me because I have struggled for so long and felt so alone. I don't feel alone anymore and that is a wonderful feeling. I am now finally taking proper action and I know in my heart I will be much happier and a much better parent to my son and will always be there for my wife. I am not perfect but who can truly say they are? I think life is a journey that we are all traveling in our own ways and we all have to figure it out. I also am truly grateful for my friends who stand by my side and who truly understand me. I know it is very special to know that people are there for you no matter what. I will always be there for my family and my friends too, no matter what. I am grateful for my family and for my life even if it is a bit different. That is what makes us unique. Thank God for uniqueness! Life is more interesting that way. For my son I pledge to do all I can to help encourage him and guide him because my life is my son.

Edward D. Iannielli III
emily

Transgender, Parenting and Hope

I am a loving father of a son who is autistic. I have always been supportive of both my wife and son and I am very loyal and have always been there and intend to always be there for them both for my entire life. I also have been struggling with gender all my life. I have tried to live with it and deal with it the best way I could. I have supressed my feelings through the years with occasional efforts to address my feelings in a way that confronts my dilemma. I have always wanted to transition from male to female as early as age 18 and had felt I was a girl since the age of 4 - 5 years old. Later in my life I had tried to transition from male to female when I was in my early 30's and was seeing a therapist but was talked out of it by her which was very difficult for me but I was overwhelmed with the process and not sure how to go about it so I retreated. I was still seeing the therapist over the years and felt it was important so I could express my feelings. I was still living with my transgender feelings but tried as best I could to supress them and hopefully mask them and live as I was supposed to. It was not easy for me but I didn't know any other way. I was dressing as often as I could in womens clothing but it was in secret and all in complete isolation.

I was introduced to this "very cute Filippino girl" who I would eventually marry after meeting her which was arranged by my therapist and I was immediately attracted to her. I was very shy my entire life and I feel a lot of it was attributed to my transgender feelings. I very rarely dated girls but felt attracted to them and I always admired the way they were strong and how beautiful they looked. I also loved the clothes they wore and felt more connected to them in a way that most guys do not. I felt more like one of them and I was very attracted to the kinds of clothes they wore. I was very content when I could dress and it felt right for me too. I was living in pain though as I was not able to tell anyone how I truly felt inside and it was taking its toll on my mental state. I tried to find peace and dressing was my way of dealing with my situation.

Life is a wonderful gift and we all should be happy and appreciative for what we have and I can truly say I have a lot to be grateful for but I always felt I was born with a girl's mind and a boy's body which really caused a great deal of confusion and sadness for me. I was very upset and I cried a lot over it. I felt all alone and very isolated and I always wondered why I had to live with such pain. It was a pain I knew very well but no one else did because I hid it as best I could and pretended through a low key and sensible way of interacting with others. I tried to develop a sense of humor as well though I was very serious in how I approached life. I also lived 2 very distinctive lives. In private I was a girl dressing as often as I could in total secrecy and in public I was one of the guys playing the role I was entrapped in. I truly felt free as a girl and smothered as a guy. I felt so upset sometimes I just wanted to die but I forged on dealing with my transgender issues hoping one day I would realize my hope of becoming a woman to fulfill my needs and to cure my gender dysphoria.

As I am married, a parent and a working professional I realize my life has meaning and value. I truly love my wife and son and am grateful for the employer I have and the people I work with who are very dedicated and hard working professionals. I am very lucky and yet I feel such emptiness not being able to express the real me and dress the way I should, as a woman. I have struggled with these feelings all my life and it is so hard to find a sense of peace when this is an every day occurrence for me. I struggle with my gender today as I did when I was a 4 year old. Those feelings never truly go away and I have tried many times to deny them to no avail. Therapy really just makes me realize more how much I am struggling with my gender and my therapist agrees I am a male to female transsexual and I must move forward in transitioning for my own happiness. As I am in my early 50's my time clock is ticking away and this is my last chance to transition and find my true sense of happiness and match my physical presence with my mental grasp of being a female. I am truly transgendered and my only chance at being happy aside from seeing my son graduate college, find a career and marry is my transtioning to become a woman.

I wish I was not transgendered but what good will that do for me. I have lived in denial for so long and now that I have come to accept who I am and have found people who can help me I have a sense of some peace now as I start on my transition. I also realize how much my family mean to me and I will still be there for them and hopefully we can work through all the confusion that will occur. I am new to all of this but I feel it is far better being the woman I have always felt I was rather than a victim of a broken heart. I pray that everything will work out and we all will find peace as I go through my own personal journey of self discovery.

I also will stand strong and proud and I will be there for my wife and son and I will still have the very same work ethic I always have. I will not change and I will be happier as I finally live as I truly felt inside all my life. I just hope all the people in my life will understand me and accept me because I will still be that sensitive, caring and honorable person and I will also finally be the real me.

Edward D. Iannielli III
emmi

Autism Awareness

I have been very truthful in my writings and I write from the perspective of a father who has a son on the autistic spectrum. I know how to convey my feelings in this format and I find it helpful in expressing what is happening in our son's life. I am directly impacted by his setbacks and wish to try to help him through them. It is not easy to be a quiet observer when you realize you need to do the best for your child. I am not always sure what is best for my son but I know I want to do all I can for him. I started my blog with the intentions of finding an outlet to express my feelings and share my experiences of raising our son as he navigates life and explores life outside of the home.

I have had the special privilege of being contacted by Ms. Jodi Bakken who found my blog and expressed her interest in what I shared about raising an autistic child. She also shared the good news that my blog was going to be selected as one of ten parent blogs that would be showcased on the website she represents called healthism.com. They are actively involved in raising awareness for autism and wanted to share personal blogs from parents raising autistic children.

April is Autism Awareness month and it is very important to educate others whether they are parents of autistic children, educators, siblings of autistic children, the medical community and families who experience life with autism every day. We all must learn to understand what autistic children have to deal with on a daily basis. It is very difficult to understand what autistic children go through but if you spend time with an autistic child and try to understand what is going on in their life you would then find ways to try to help them and understand their situation. It is truly a challenge at times trying to understand and cope with the day to day happenings. Autistic children can have some major hurdles to overcome and it is a parent who must learn to step up and take proper action and they must learn to find a support network that will not only help their child on the spectrum but will help each parent to understand what is going on and to find comfort in knowing they are not alone and can find others who can help shed light on raising and providing autistic children with the love and nurturing they need which hopefully will help to turn their life around.

I am so happy to meet people like Jodi who certainly is doing her part in helping raise Autism Awareness and she and her staff have selected ten wonderful blogs that help shed light on what it is like to raise an autistic child today. I am very happy to share my experiences and I am dedicated to helping my son and provide him with the love and support that a parent can. I know I have my own issues that I must deal with but that will not affect my love and support for my son and my wife. We are in it together as loving parents to our son and we always want what is best for him.

I look upon my writing as important and therapeutic and a journal that hopefully my son will come to appreciate and read. I want him to know how much I love him and his mommy and that we are all in this together and will always be. It is my intention to put my son through college while my wife will be supportive to our son in ways that I can't. I also will be more open minded and also very supportive and try as best I can to understand that things will never be perfect. I am not perfect so how can I expect my son to be. I have to understand we all have to be true to who we are and we must be responsible for our children and teach them to understand what they face in their life and we must learn to listen and find the proper help they need.

I am sharing the link to healthism and proudly applaud Jodi for her involvement and her commitment in helping all autistic children, one child at a time.

 http://blog.healthism.com/post/20520919101/parent-blogs-of-children-with-autism

I will continue to write and express my feelings on my son and his day to day life and his medical diagnosis. I will also gladly showcase the efforts and beautiful work of my new friend, Jodi and am glad there are people like her working to raise awareness for these beautiful autistic children and their loving families.

Edward D. Iannielli III

It's not just a game! It's a whole lot more!

I have been touched by a baseball game my son was part of this past weekend. My wife and I have been trying to help our son find a way to be involved and learn new skills, have fun and make a friend or 2. I did not know what to expect when enrolling our son in the Challenger League in East Meadow, New York. I was a bit nervous as my son has never played an organized game of baseball before. I have had a few catches with him in the back yard but it was not something he really showed interest in.

I seemed to be more excited the day of his very first game then he was and I wanted to make sure we got to the ball field early so we could practice and I could help him start to develop the proper skills in catching and throwing. Hitting I would need to focus on later and obviously would need one of the coaches to help him as well.

When I was a kid the game of baseball was something I had a passion for. I always had an appreciation for the game and I was hoping my son would also find his passion but it seems he needs a little encouragement and our involvement and guidance. I was proud to see my son in his uniform and felt that he would at the very least find some fun and enjoyment from his experience playing. I was not sure what to expect but I felt it was well worth the effort to get him there and playing despite his reluctance. I did not want to force him to play but I know how he is searching to make friends and I felt this certainly was an opportunity for him to at least connect hopefully with some of the kids.

The complex where the baseball fields and the field house are located is very impressive. There are four baseball fields and they always are occupied during the spring, summer and fall seasons. As we took the field to start having a catch I noticed parents and their children starting to gather on the field each doing pretty much the same thing I was doing with my son. I want to instill in my son confidence and a belief that he can learn and develop the skills required in baseball and if he can master these skills he most certainly can master the skills he will need in other areas and especially in life. The game of baseball is one of the most common games played by so many kids and I always took it for granted not realizing that the game would have an even bigger meaning for the kids I would see today playing including my son.

My son has Asperger's and he certainly has his challenges and to this point we have been trying to find a sport or activity where our son would benefit from participating. When I saw the kids gathering at the field I was touched very deeply and emotionally as I saw kids just like my son who were autistic and I saw kids with a diversity of challenges. I saw kids in wheel chairs, I saw kids with cerebral palsy, I saw kids with downs syndrome, I saw kids with leg braces, I saw kids of all sizes, some very tall and over weight and some very small and petite. I saw boys, I saw girls and I saw young kids who wanted to just play and have fun.

I literally had tears in my eyes seeing how these kids had such challenges yet just wanted to be involved in a game of baseball. For me this game started to take on a more important meaning then what I remembered when I was a kid playing little league baseball. It seemed to me these kids normally would be passed up and would never have such an opportunity but this league was so very different because this league actually encouraged these kid to come and play. It was a very heart warming experience and I was so delighted that my son was a part of it.

As the coaches started to ready the field for play they had the buddies assigned to each kid participating and these buddies were kids who have had experience playing the game and had excellent playing skills and were very involved in providing support and encouragement. My son had a buddy paired off with him and he introduced himself to both my son and I. I was impressed with his maturity and his level of skill. He started to have a catch with my son explaining to him how to properly position himself and his glove when catching. I was happy that my son had this one on one interaction and I was no longer worried. I was very delighted and saw what sets this league apart from the traditional leagues. This league is devoted to special needs children and the coaches are actively involved in the game and in making sure each and every kid gets up to hit and are positioned in the field. The coaches pitch the ball in a way that helps enable these kids to hit and run the bases. The game is not about competition. It is about these kids learning and developing skills and having fun and being encouraged every step of the way by their buddies and all the coaches, staff and parents.

I saw kids come up to bat who seemed to struggle at the plate but the emphasis was that each kid get a chance to hit the ball and to get on base. I was excited when my son got up to bat. He had a good stance and he managed to hit the ball after a few swings and I was so proud of him as I heard all the coaches and his buddy and all the parents cheering. It was an incredible experience and I was so happy we signed our son up for this league. The founder of the league is very committed and wants to see all these children have fun and succeed. It is such a wonderful opportunity for these kids and I was inspired so much that I wanted to share this with all of you.

The game was a three inning game and it took on a dimension different from what I was used to but I understood why and I was very grateful because these kids need encouragement and nurturing and competition is not what these games are about.

I was so happy for Matty and I will be there with him next week looking forward to the next scheduled game. After the game I shook the hands of some of the coaches and my son's buddy offering my thanks and appreciation and my son and I then went to McDonald's for lunch.

What I very much enjoyed about this game was seeing the smiles on all these kids faces including my son's. These kids all have their own challenges but for those three innings of organized play they had a chance to be kids just like any other and they were all having fun and learning something very valuable. It was very touching and i was emotionally impacted by the wonderful experience and my son got to play his very first game with such wonderful kids. It really made our day.

Edward D. Iannielli III
   

Reflections on Being different, Autism and Life

We all have times in our life where we must have quiet introspection. It is very important that we understand and learn how we are influenced and affected by things happening in our lives. As young children we may find that we may feel different and that we are alone most of the time. We may not wish to change our ways but we have to understand what it is that is causing us to feel the way we do. We may never really know what it is that causes us to feel different but we must learn to adapt and find ways to deal with our situation. We may feel we are alone and have no one to talk to about it. This makes it very hard because we then find we must suppress what we are trying with our heart and soul to understand. I remember as a child not truly understanding what was going on in my life and harboring a secret that I could not talk about. I denied and repressed all throughout my childhood and my adult life but it never goes away and the feelings we have as small children tend to remain with us even when we grow into adulthood. We just need to find acceptance and try to understand that we are ok and there should never be any shame associated with our feelings. We sometimes can not help what it is that we are feeling. It is just an inherent part of who we are. If we can come to terms with it then we will find self acceptance and will be able to find our way. We also need to have approval and acceptance from our family and friends and this is not always so easy. We can open up and discuss it and hopefully find a sympathetic ear. We all want to be loved and accepted for who we are.

I as a father know what it is like to feel empathy and concern. I have a deep desire to help my son who struggles with his autism and it breaks my heart to see my son struggle. I am a very caring and compassionate person and I would do anything to help my son. He is my life and he means the world to me. My life is so much more complete because of my son.

I also have a desire to make things right for him in every way I can but I am no expert and I am just a father who sometimes feels helpless in what is best for our son. My wife sometimes is stronger in her ability to maintain calmness and keep things together where I am sometimes more emotional and expressive of my feelings. I need to be this way because I can not keep things bottled up inside. I have done that all throughout my life dealing with my own issues. I am not perfect but I am a very loving and caring father and I would never do anything to hurt my son or my family. I just sometimes have a hard time knowing what is the best thing to do to help our son. I have cried many times when I see my son have difficulty and get so frustrated that he feels he has no chance of fitting in. I want my son to always feel confident and believe in himself. He is a remarkable kid and I know that. I just wish he would realize that.

I was very shy too growing up so I know what my son is going through and he is now at a difficult age so I feel for him. I want him to come to me and talk and express what is going on in his life. I don't want him to feel alone. I want him to know that his mom and dad are there for him and will do our very best to help and advise him. I am so very proud of him in so many ways and when I see him smiling and happy I am happy too. I live to see my son happy and I want what is best for him. I realize life is not always perfect and we have to deal with things in our life. I know I too have things I deal with and need to reach out to others when I can not do it alone. I want my son to realize he too needs to recognize when he needs help and guidance and he should never feel afraid to ask for it. I will always make it my priority to be there for him and I recognize his needs and I want him to feel comfortable talking with me about anything and everything.

One of the main things we should always maintain with our family is complete honesty and a sense of hope and faith. We must teach this and never let our children feel alone. We do sometimes feel alone growing up which is normal but we must try to help find a healthy balance where we can overcome the obstacles we face and break down the barriers that hold us back. We only get one life so we want to make the most of it and we want most of all to find happiness and acceptance. We all need that in our life and it is what makes us thrive and become the best we can.

I was so very proud of my son today when he steped onto the baseball diamond today in his first ever little league baseball game. He is 13 and is in a special league for kids with disabilities and other emotional isses. It warmed my heart when I saw all these kids participating. My son was paired off with a buddy also to help him learn some of the fundamentals. It was an incredible day and I am so grateful to all the coaches, the buddies and all the kids who all deserve to be there. They have just as much a right to enjoy the game and play and participate. I was so proud of my son and I feel happy that he was able to experience this. I am looking forward to the next game and I feel he will benefit by the experience and he will learn the game and have some fun. We are very grateful for the league and thank all those responsible who dedicate their time and efforts in helping these wonderful kids. I had tears in my eyes at times watching some of these kids who have incredible challenges and were there playing. It was a very emotional day and I am glad I got to share it with my son.

After all this is what we live for. We want our children to find something they like and we want them to be happy. I am not sure if baseball will always be my son's area of interest but we have to try and if he can learn and have fun and make a friend or two then it is all worth it.

Edward D. Iannielli III

Self Expression and Liking yourself

The ability to express yourself and finding things you like to do are so important in growing and discovering what life is all about. We all have times when we get down on ourselves and we feel bored and just want to hide in our room and never come out. I remember having these feelings as a child when I felt alone or had nothing to do. As a kid we are looking to our parents, our teachers, our family, our friends and those we trust for guidance, to learn and seek advice from. Sometimes we feel we are uncertain as to what we are trying to learn or accomplish. We as children need to have consistency in our lives and we need to feel loved, protected and respected. We may not always feel happy but it is very important that we understand the "big picture". Life is not perfect but it is the greatest thing we could ever hope for. We are given an incredible opportunity to experience and live our lives and hopefully we will find that if we have patience, learn respect, and never give up when we feel like doing so we will benefit tremendously and our lives will start to take shape and we will start to develop and mature along the way.

I try to instill in my son this same ideal and it can be a challenge at times because he sees and interprets things much differently and he is very easily distracted and loses focus. An autistic child has a disconnect and easily gets upset and frustrated. As a result they have more difficulties concentrating, being attentive and exploring outside of their self imposed boundaries. We see it most of the time with our son. He is now trying to develop friendships and as a teenager it seems more difficult for him to relate with kids his age. It is not easy for kids growing up today but like we did when we realized what lied ahead of us, we must provide our kids with sound advice with regard to their personal development, their education and their social encounters. As a father I have learned that patience and understanding is so important in establishing effective communication with your children. There are times when you feel your children are growing up way too fast and are trying to exert their independence way too soon. I see it with my son as he wants to stay up when we say it is bedtime. He will get very upset and will become difficult. It seems this has been a regular occurrence as he does not want to go to bed. He seems to have a sleep disorder which seems to be somewhat common with other autistic children as they have so much stimuli and find it hard to totally shut down.

The life of a teen can be a difficult time as there are so many things to deal with and it is also a time of awakening physically and sexually. Teens desire to experience friendships, relationships and it is critical they develop a healthy sense of themselves with a high self worth that will enable them to meet the challenges they face and achieve all they wish to. All children growing up must learn to have patience and they must realize that anything worthwhile is certainly worth the effort. They must also learn to like themselves and feel good about who they are. If they have self acceptance then they will be able to forge healthy relationships with both boys and girls. If a child is content and finds happiness in the things they do then things will naturally fall into place.

Parents must always be there for their children and they need to spend time with them, listen to them, encourage them, teach them, guide them, help them, support them and love them unconditionally. When a child feels love and security in the home they will learn to love themselves and they will develop confidence and will be able to establish healthy relationships and develop friendships. As a parent of a special needs child I find I am trying to over protect my son and it seems my son realizes this as he brings it to my attention. I only want what is best for my son and I will do anything for him. I just want to be there for him and help him so he can grow and develop normally and find a good sense of himself so he can feel good, find interests and have many friends. I also believe we have to learn to let go sometimes and let our children feel free to explore and learn on their own too. We can not control our children but we must point them in the right direction so they can make wise choices and not be afraid to venture out and try new things. I too am learning and we do indeed learn from our children as well.

I have wishes and dreams for my son and I want him to know that we love him and will always try our best to help him and we make a promise to be with him for as long as we are able to and if I can show him the way by setting a good example and with my writing then I will have some comfort and peace of mind because as a parent we always want to be there for our children and teach them right from wrong and help provide for them so they will be able to set out for themselves one day and not be afraid. I want my son to believe in himself, love himself and freely express himself so he can truly find happiness and success in his life. This will bring us great joy.  

Matty, always take heart and believe for you are very special and you deserve the best in your life. We love you so much and we will always love you. May you always know this in your heart and may you never feel alone.

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

Edward D. Iannielli III

Understanding our own Mortality

It is sometimes hard to understand why and it is one of the greatest mysteries as to when, where and how. We all know we have to face the reality of our own mortality and must eventually make peace and accept the inevitable that we too will die one day. Life is unpredictable for most of us who are blessed to be born and live our life as God intended us to. I sometimes wonder what it is like for someone who is diagnosed with a terminal illness and is given a finite time to live. In essence they are aware now as advised by medical doctors that they will die. Is it any easier for them now that the mystery is gone to some degree? Does knowing you will die in a certain time frame make it any easier or does knowing make you feel more anxious and depressed? Does someone in this situation start to feel sorry for them self and lose hope or do they try to manage to smile and live what ever amount of time they have left? It's really hard to know unless you are in that situation. I also wonder what it is like for someone who had been told they would die in a relatively short time frame but wound up beating the illness and making a full recovery. What is it like for them now that they had cheated death? Do they feel invincible or do they still wonder if they will eventually run out of time and will die as they had been told?

Does knowing allow you to be prepared and try to capture the remaining moments in a more special way. The make a wish foundation allows for children who are diagnosed with a terminal illness the chance to live a dream before they die which is very special and heartwarming. Although it is very difficult to face the end for someone we love we try to live and accept the situation as best we can for the sake of the person who is going through it and we try to support them as best we can and love them and hold them for as long as we can holding back our tears.

I believe when it is our time to die we will instinctively know it and hopefully we will have experienced a full life filled with love, happiness, joy, success, friendship and a loving family. We know that the hardest part in coming to terms with this is that we will no longer be an integral part of the lives of others who mean so much to us. If we have children we will worry for their care and their future. If we have to die when our children are still young then it is a tremendous burden we take with us and how can we die in peace with so many unknowns. I believe the younger we are when we die the more we feel that we had not been given the chance to live and do all that we wanted and hoped to do. I feel for young children who die so young never really experiencing life. It must be such a heartbreak to the parents when they lose a child. How can a child be so brave knowing they will die? I have seen children in the cancer ward undergoing chemotherapy treatments but they still manage to smile and are happy when their family and friends visit and bring them a present as they are still kids though they are faced with such a hard thing to deal with. A part of me cries for them as I realize they are most likely going to die young.

I will never forget attending a funeral of a friend's baby daughter. She had just celebrated her second birthday but had lived all her days under nurses care due to a seizure disorder. Her parents were very loving and caring and so devoted to their baby girl. It was the hardest thing seeing the little white baby coffin and the precious family pictures. I cried many times that day as I tried to offer words of consolation to my friend and his wife. The tragedy affected me so much that I had to get away so I went to the happiest place on earth. I went to Disney World to try to find a sense of happiness as I felt so sad for my friend and his family after losing their beautiful little baby girl. It was such a heart break to me as I was good friends of the family.

The tragedies that surround death are also heart breaking. We hear it every day or sometimes come upon it as we drive past an accident scene. It really makes you wonder why. It just seems so hard to comprehend how one moment someone is saying good bye to their loved ones and the next they are fighting for their life or are pronounced dead at an accident scene. They had no way of knowing this would be their fate until the moment up until it happened. What could be going through their mind at that instant in time.

What goes through the mind of someone who decides they had enough and feels their only way out is suicide? It is very sad when someone feels so alone and in despair that the only way they will escape their pain or hopeless situation is by taking their life. The hardest thing to come to terms with is the loss of a loved one to suicide. I have tried to put my father's tragic death into proper perspective and I feel very sad of the circumstances surrounding it as I wonder if the outcome could have been different if I had sat and spoke with him that fateful day. I try to find solace but a part of me feels the pain that he could not express to us. I have gone through so many emotions and feel guilty that I wasn't there for my father in his greatest time of need.

I also felt that way when I visited my mother at the hospital when she lost her will to live and just withered away. I tried to be strong and made my daily visits to see her even though I felt the situation was bleak. It is so very difficult facing the reality that you are about to lose someone very special to you. You try to believe that everything will be ok and you hope and pray for that but you know in your heart that you are about to lose your loved one. When I found out my mother had died I just cried and cried and I really never did get to say goodbye as I had wished to. I visited her every day but she was not aware of our visits. On occasion though I did feel her faintly squeeze my hand but I could tell her body was so weak and it was just a matter of time. My mom was only 50 years old when she passed.

I have experienced death of loved ones through the years and as I spend time with my wife and son I try to hold on to these precious moments and enjoy them because they are fleeting. Our son is special needs and is autistic and he has difficulty in social situations. My main emphasis is to spend as much time with him as I possibly can and instill in him the strength and courage he will need to help him find himself and live his life with a sense of hope and promise. I want him to be his own person, confident, happy and able to take care of himself. I prepare now for the time when I won't be there and the peace of mind I look for is that I have enough in life insurance to protect my son and wife in the event of my death.

Of course we feel we will be around for a while and we avoid any such discussions of death and life insurance but the reality is that we need to plan for our family because we just never know. I have lost two wonderful friends this past year and was in complete shock when I learned of their untimely deaths. I certainly did not expect to hear such news nor did their families but sadly it was true and I just felt so sad. I lost a friend who was about to celebrate his 40th birthday in a couple of months and he died in his sleep leaving behind a wife and a 3 year old daughter. I sometimes wonder why we have to endure such emotional pain in our lives and why we have to lose our loved ones so unexpectedly. Another friend who I had lost touch with but considered a good friend had died of a heart attack. He was only 35 years old and was planning to marry later that year but it was his time to go. It just makes you think and wonder when the ride will end for us when we see it come to an end for friends we once talked with and had good times with.

I remember the first time I was touched by the death of a friend. I was 17 years old and I had just found out from a high school friend by telephone that one of our class mates had died in a horrible car accident while visiting a college campus for an interview to attend in the fall. I was devastated and will never forget it for as long as I live. Every now and then I think about my poor friend Scott who died way to young. He had so much promise and hopes for a bright future but it was not to be.

This is a very sad story to share and I did not know the people involved but I remember hearing it in the news and it was very tragic and it was something that affected me that I talked of it when I had visited a psychologist years later after dealing with my mother's death. I consider myself a very caring person both sensitive and strong but this really made me upset and depressed even though I was not a relative or friend of the families involved.

We all think of our wedding day as the most exciting and happiest of occasions and for virtually everyone it is but in life there are tragedies that occur and sometimes they occur on a wedding day also. The bride and groom had just taken their vows and were now husband and wife and they were now enroute to their wedding reception in Long Beach Long Island and were making the turn into the parking lot where the reception was to be held when a young driver of 21 was drag racing down the roadway and collided head on with the limousine. It was April 3, 1987 and the tragic results was that the groom and his brother, the best man were killed at the scene and the bride died later on at the hospital. The limo driver and the bride's sister were both injured but they survived. The driver of the speeding car also survived but he was responsible for the tragic deaths of the bride, groom and best man. It was one of the saddest stories I had ever learned about and I could not help but wonder why such a tragedy had to occur on a day when all was supposed to be joyful and beautiful.

I feel deeply connected to my family and friends and I am living and doing all I can for my son hoping that I will be there for him to share in his ups and downs, his successes and celebrate alongside him, my wife and family when he graduates and goes on to college. I don't know what the future holds but I must live my life with the belief that I will be there for my wife and son for as long as I can and hopefully will be there to see our son graduate college, marry his beautiful bride and welcome a baby into the world. This is what I live for as I start to take stock of my life and wonder what the future holds.

So as I relate all this I realize that life is not perfect but it is a wonderful gift we have been given and although we may not always feel happy we should live each day with wonder and joy in our heart because we really do not know what tomorrow will bring and we must appreciate that we are alive and with our family and friends amongst us which is truly wonderful because it will not always be this way. We must truly appreciate it now when we have it. I remember my parents and how they loved me and made me always feel good and now that they are gone I only have memories which may be distant but they are still in my heart. I am well aware I will die one day so I will try my best to live and do all I can as I do not want regrets when it is my time to say goodbye.

As I write this I have just learned of the sad news of the passing of Whitney Houston who was a tremendous woman and very talented singer and I feel heartbroken. She was just 48 years old and was planning on attending the Grammy awards show. She will be missed and I'm sure will be honored at the event. My prayers and thoughts are with her family at this most difficult time.

I love you Maria, Matty and all who are special to me.

Edward D. Iannielli III

Autism with a slice of optimism

A little boy sits at his computer staring at the screen as he dreams up a story he wishes to write about. It is not easy for him but it is something he finds fascinating. It is his way to express what he can not verbalize. He loves the creative aspect of arranging words into a story that can be whatever he wants it to be. He can have fun with it and use his imagination to portray something of great importance to him. In essence he is telling a story of his life and he wants to be noticed and given the attention he so desperately seeks. He wants to be acknowledged and accepted and most of all he wants to feel good about himself and what he has written in his own words. He does not speak but is very pensive, he does not laugh, he does not cry, He sits in silence, he does not have a friend to play with and this makes him feel sad and a bit lonely at times, he displays very little emotion yet he wants to be hugged. He tries real hard to focus and concentrate on his writing as he listens to music and compiles lists of his favorite songs and artists that keeps him interested and hopeful.

He is a sensitive child and he has an innocence that is a true blessing. The music is what makes him happy and allows him to find comfort and helps to drown out the silence he has grown so accustomed to in his short life. His parents love and cherish him and they shed tears that he is unable to. It is so hard to see this precious little boy so alone and in a world that only he sees. Why is it that a child so young has such difficulties? A little child laughs, cries, points, talks and makes friends along the way. A little autistic child too can laugh, cry, make friends and be heard. They don't have to live in total silence. Autism is many things to many people. We don't fully understand the magnitude or the dynamics of it but we do know the disappointment, the sorrow, the heartbreak, the fear, the frustration, the loneliness and the painful isolation. It does not have to be this way. We just have to find something that gives us joy and hope. No one has to live this way. They have to find an inner strength and they have to be nurtured, loved, heard, taught, encouraged, praised and hugged every day.

If I could teach my son and show him the way so he can break free from what holds him back I would feel much more hopeful. We have to always be guided by our faith and our heart. Our children provide us with lessons to learn of life too. We surely must listen and be attentive to our children and live in the moment because that is all we really have in life. Our lives are always moving at a pace we can never truly grasp or comprehend. Before we know it our precious little baby is now a child full of wonder and hope. It is our actions as parents that help to shape our child and we are always learning. Both child and parent share a unique bond that is built upon a foundation of love, hope, patience, virtue and experience. We must impart what we learn in our lives to our children and let them experience life in their way so they can learn and understand. We may not always know the answer but we must try our best to listen, understand and guide our child as we are meant to so they can learn and understand as they grow and develop. No child must feel alone. All children must feel loved and encouraged so they can find a sense of belonging and develop a feeling of self worth.

I often wonder what it is that makes us act and behave the way we do. For most of us we don't know what it is like to be autistic. We may have struggled with our own insecurities resulting from shyness, isolation and painful rejection. Therefore we can come to understand what autistic children may feel in their day to day life. For most children it is not easy coming of age. We all have a wide range of emotions and feelings we experience as we start to grow and mature. Childhood can be both a joy and a time of loneliness. We all must realize that this time in our life is fleeting and before we know it we are thrust into having to abide by rules and living in a formal structured way. It is not so easy and it takes time to adjust. For autistic children it is more difficult to find their way and when they lack the ability to connect socially they tend to withdraw and live in silence and a world unto themselves. It is very important to help encourage and teach an autistic child to believe and to find something that they enjoy. We must teach them to have hope and feel good about themselves. We must help them to appreciate things and to not feel all alone. We must help them to write their story and to dream. We must teach them how to accept themselves so they can find true friendship. We must lead by example as parents and we must always be optimistic and we must share this optimism with our children. Children learn from their parents and they pick up on all types of cues so we must always be careful with what we say, how we say it and when we say it. We must always be understanding, have patience and provide words of wisdom always. I will always encourage my son in every way I possibly can. As he writes a story or does an assignment or just has a question I will be there to help him, teach him and provide him with the love and support he needs with a slice of optimism added in for good measure.

Edward D. Iannielli III

A parent's expectations

Children learn what they live and they are influenced by their parents, their surroundings, their families, their teachers and their friends. As a parent we all wish to provide the very best for our children. It is our most important role in life. We are responsible for our child from the very first day they are born and we want everything to be perfect. As our child grows and matures they will experience many things both happy and sad. We have to help to show our children how to live a life filled with promise, hope, joy, friendship, love and faith. We need to listen to them, hear them, understand them, speak to them, teach them, nurture them, play with them, forgive them, hug them and believe in them. We also have dreams and hopes for our child. We expect the very best from our child and we will always have high ideals and expectations for our child throughout their life.

We must always remember that our children look up to us and trust in us and it is very important that we provide them with positive reinforcement and encouragement all throughout their childhood. We are the first adults they come into contact with and they look up to us for direction and for guidance. We will have some challenges in raising our children which is a normal part of life and we need to understand that no matter what the challenges may be we must be strong and have hope to help our children in all aspects of their life. We also must realize that we can only do so much and when all seems beyond hope we must really have faith and love to help our child and we must have a positive outlook and not give in to our fears and our emotions. We must always stay focused for the sake of our children.

As we see our children grow we will realize that the time seems to go by way too fast. It seems the days of tending to our crying baby is a distant memory yet as we calmed them and tended to them and held them gently in our arms it seemed those days would last forever. It is sad in a way that those precious times are gone forever only to be a memory now. Every new parent should really treasure their child's infancy and toddler years because they go by in a flash and before you know it the little baby is now growing up and going to school. The reality of life is that it is always moving forward and things change and we all must learn to adapt and live with the changes. As parents we want our child to be perfect in every way and we want them to always be happy and comfortable. We take great measures in providing our child a positive upbringing but we also must realize that life is not perfect and we will encounter challenges along the way.

Raising a child who has special needs can at times affect us in ways that cause us to worry and wonder what their future will hold. We must learn to get past these feelings and focus on the here and now. We can't worry about the future. We have to focus on the time we have now with our child and we can only live it one day at a time and learn that we need help and support also so we can do all we need to do for our child. We must view them as special and never get down on them. We must always hold on to hope for them and teach them to believe in themselves and to never give up. They are here like we are to live their life and find their purpose. Special needs children also have purpose and they are beautiful and deserve to be nurtured, loved and given the same opportunities as their peers.

If I could share what it is like raising a child on the autistic spectrum and portray it in a picture and capture it in a truthful and realistic way I would show a photograph of a child standing all alone, silent with an expressionless face as other children are milling about talking and playing together. It is heartbreaking when you see a child in a crowd with no one to talk to and feeling all alone. I have come to realize that there are many children diagnosed with autism who have difficulty in social situations. Although they may be very bright they have extreme difficulty in self expression and making contact with others. They are awkward in making friends and in verbalizing their feelings. We have dealt with these same issues with our son and although he has made progress he still struggles in making friends and feeling comfortable in social situations. We are there for our son every step of the way and will stand by his side all throughout as he is our number one priority and we want to see him happy, well adjusted and have every opportunity to find special friends in his life and to do his best in school. He is our precious gift and we realize this every day and we want the very best for him.

We as parents have expectations for our son and over the years we have learned to understand his situation but we still believe in him and have faith and confidence in his abilities and we feel he is truly special and will find his way and have a life filled with opportunity, happiness, success and friendship. We love our son very much and we are so very blessed to have him in our life. We pray for him everyday and have faith that everything will all work out for the best. Love you Matty!

Edward D. Iannielli III

What is my life all about and who am I?

It is something we all ask ourselves at one time or another. It is only natural to want to understand what it is that makes us who we are. It is very important that we approach our life with dedication, sincerity, hope and wisdom.  I am not a doctor or a psychologist but I know we all have aspirations and dreams and sometimes we may lose sight of them from time to time. We all want to feel good about ourselves and make friends and enjoy our lives. It is not always so easily defined as to who we are and what we wish to become. Life is one of the greatest mysteries and we don't always understand what we are here for but we live our lives with the intention of being the best we can and we learn early on that we should always respect others and learn to get along and share a part of ourselves with the people we meet along the way. It is very important to be able to communicate and open up and find ways of relating with others. We all need to develop interests and have ideas and visions of things we enjoy doing and we need to integrate this into our lives so we can develop as individuals and blossom as we grow and mature.

Early in our lives we are introduced to learning in a structured setting where we are socialized, taught and encouraged to participate with other children our age. It is a time where we start to discover ourselves as individuals and start to make friends. We are still very dependent on our parents but we are also learning and growing as nature has mandated for us. We are each unique in how we see ourselves and how we see the world around us. We don't always know the answers but we should never get discouraged for growing is all about experiencing, exploring, learning and maturing. We all go through it and certainly can relate with one another. I know that our lives revolve around family, friends, teachers and all those who come into our lives and touch it in some way.

We will learn along the way and through the course of our schooling and our experiences that things are not perfect and although we may feel safe in our lives there are many who struggle each and every day and their chances for survival are very questionable. They are the victims of war, famine, natural disasters and man made disasters. We see it from the distance and are not directly affected by it but when you see the human toll and you realize that many children in the world have no food, no shelter, no safe place to sleep, no education and virtually no chance for survival due to the dangers they face each and every day due to these sad occurrences it makes you realize the harshness and brutal realities that some face in their lives.

I know from personal experience that we all have to learn to cope and accept the good with the bad. Life is not always going to be what we wish or hope for. We surely will have to adapt and find our inner strength to deal with all that life hands us as we live each day. I also have learned that there are so many who have so much less than what we have and we should always be grateful. We will learn in life that there will be those who are better than us too and will have far greater than we have. We should never let this bother us and we should always be inspired by those who go on to achieve true success and fortune in their lives and we should realize that we can have this same opportunity if we challenge ourselves and believe we can achieve all we hope to also.

When we decide to marry and raise a family we must really be secure in our lives and be willing to accept all the responsibilities that come with it. Once we bring a child into the world we will be fully responsible for them and will need to do all we can to help them to achieve and to feel good about themselves. Our children are our gift and we must always treat them as a gift from God. They may not be perfect but they deserve our full attention, our love and our nurturing throughout their lives. They give us a purpose in our lives and they make our lives more fulfilling and joyous. There is nothing as beautiful then that of a child's smile or a gentle hug or the tender words of "mommy and daddy, i love you!" This is the beauty of life and what is most important. Our time with our children are what will make us feel complete. If we had done all we could for our children and spent the time with them as often as we could we will feel a peace when we realize they are all grown up with families of their own as we look back.

Life spans a period of time for all of us. For some it can last almost 100 years with a richness and an abundance of experiences and family. For others it will be for an instant and for most it will cover many years with many experiences and hopefully very memorable and very happy ones despite the sad times. We all will have to face our mortality someday and that is why it is so important to actually live our lives and enjoy it because we will one day realize it does not last forever. It is only for an instant in the annals of time. We best get to live and enjoy our lives while we are here and we should also get to enjoy all the people who come into our lives. This is what our lives are all about and before we leave we will finally get to realize who we are. Hopefully it won't be too late before that happens.

In closing I just wish to say that my journey in life has taken me on a wonderful ride filled with many happy experiences. Although I have had pain in my life suffering from personal tragedies I have been blessed with wonderful parents who have showed me the way and stood behind me always. I salute my parents and I miss them very much. I am also the proud father of a teenage son who is the centerpiece of my writings. He is autistic and has many challenges but my wife and I love him very much and we encourage him always and want to see him happy and feeling confident in his abilities and filled with hope and joy always. He is our greatest gift and we want to see him live his life with a sense of purpose and a hope that he can achieve all that he wishes too. Our lives will be complete when we know he will be ok in his life and very happy. Our lives revolve around him and we will always be grateful for this.

Edward D. Iannielli III

The hope a new year brings

One thing I have learned in life is that we will always look forward to starting a new year fresh, make plans to improve ourselves, make resolutions to make change for the better and live with a renewed sense of hope and purpose. This is something we all tend to live by and it seems that we have the best of intentions in making this a reality. As I am getting older I am now seemingly taking the focus off myself and now trying more to focus on my son and his needs. I certainly plan to make improvement in my life and effect positive change but my real hope is to help my son make positive change in his life. With that said I realize before I can help my son I have to feel that I am in a good place and have a positive outlook about things with a sense of hope.

I wish to instill this same sense of hope in Matty's thinking so he will feel more excited and positive about his life which will help him to feel better about himself so he can make progress and find friends he so desperately seeks. My wife and I are so concerned for our son and want to see him happy and filled with promise and hope for the long haul. We can not predict the future but we can hopefully make a positive impact so our son will benefit and find a way to get past the things that hold him back. We all have our challenges in life and we certainly will get discouraged along the way and feel like giving up at times but we must realize that we are not the only ones who feel this way and if we can make the case for positive change we will then find our lives much more rewarding.

I feel when we offer advice to our children we tend to draw from our own personal experiences and try to adapt this to their situations. I have come to realize that this is not always practical because our children are growing up in a different time and the things that we can relate to may not be the same for our children. I have also learned over the years that autistic children have a whole different perspective of things so my theory of looking at how I would relate to something may not be the same for my son. This poses many challenges and requires careful planning and strategy. I have a whole different perspective of what it takes to make a friend then my son does. For my son it is much more difficult due to his situation and because of the distance in the school he goes to. When I was a kid it seemed so much easier to make friends but I too struggled and found I only had a handful of friends growing up.

The main thing a child needs in growing up is to feel positive about themselves. They need reinforcement and nurturing. An autistic child has many sensitivities and they require the same nurturing and positive feedback. If a child lives with love and encouragement they learn to accept themselves. For my son it is so very important that he feels good about himself and that we encourage him and help him to find things that will help him to grow and appreciate life. Loneliness is a feeling we all experience and that is a part of every one's life. We can not change that but we can help to ease those feelings and that is something I realize we need to work on with our son. It pains me to see our son pleading for friends and asking us to invite kids over to play with him when he really has not made real connections with them. I know when I made friends it was due to my getting involved in sports with the help of my parents. I played baseball as a 9 year old and the more I played through my childhood the more visibility it gave me which also contributed to my popularity and my ability to make friends. We have tried to get our son involved in team sports such as soccer, karate and bowling but it seems so difficult for our son to maintain his interest and desire to improve and be competitive. It seems he does not have the competitive drive nor the interest which poses some roadblocks for us.
We have enrolled our son in summer camp and took him to some scheduled social bowling outings but it is still difficult for our son to make friendships that last. I don't even know how to help him in this sense when I have work responsibilities during the week. It just seems so futile sometimes that I can not always be there for my son.  

I know many people say that if they came into fortune it would not really change their lives. I however feel it certainly would change my life because it would allow me to tailor my schedule around my son more. I don't have this luxury now since I have such financial obligations that dictate how I need to spend my time. If I had more financial freedom I would certainly have more time for my son. It is sad that we seem to get caught up in these financial pressures. I remember my parents felt this way too. If I could teach my son one thing I would teach him to learn to be more open minded and to not be afraid to be inventive and entrepreneurial.

I know my son likes to see things laid out for him like a road map clear and easy to follow. In keeping with that line of thinking I would suggest the following for my son:

1) Think positive and never lose hope
2) Always maintain discipline with school and homework
3) Never be afraid to talk to a fellow classmate
4) Try to find something of interest that allows for group involvement such as a team sport
5) Try to find something of interest that allows for group involvement in a club or activity such as drama, choir or boy scouts
6) Strive to do well in class and actively participate
7) Talk to your school counselor and let them know your needs
8) Talk to us about your needs and we will try our best to help you
9) Find things at home that interest you so after you completed your homework you can look forward to that
10) Ask your teacher to help in finding potential opportunities in school that you may be inclined to participate in
11) Always work on improving yourself and doing something that will help you achieve that
12) Always be yourself because you are special and you are a good person deserving of friends
13) If you share with us your interests and we find things you will like then we will find a way to get you there to participate
14) Have mom find nearby activities that will allow you to get involved and have fun after school and meet other kids
15) If you do participate in after school activities you will still have the responsibility in completing your homework when you get home
16) Maintain a journal and update it and get to communicate it with us so we can help you to get to where you want to go
17) Write down your likes and dislikes so we will know how to help you
18) Be open minded when making friends and understand you may not see them that often but when you are together enjoy that time
19) List out the types of games you like to play and we will see that you have the opportunity to play them.
20) Allow us to also be your friend and take you out to a movie or something and if it is OK one of your friends as well

This is just a starting point but it is where we should start so we can help you to achieve making a friend and help you in feeling better about yourself. We want this for you more than you could ever know and we all have to work together on this to help achieve it. We love you Matty and want the very best for you now and always.

Matty, Always remember that our love for you will never have boundaries and it will last for eternity.

Edward D. Iannielli III
 

In tribute to Ben

I never had the opportunity of meeting Ben Breedlove, an 18 year old who was diagnosed with a heart condition since he was a little boy. I was fortunate however to see his beautiful video that left all who watched it touched and very sad but very hopeful too. I cried as I watched his video and thought he had tremendous courage as he knew he was dying. I can't imagine what it feels like knowing you have a terminal illness and you anticipate death is imminent but you still try to live your life and still plan for your future. I never felt as moved as I did when I watched Ben's video. What makes this video so special is that Ben does not say a word.

What he did was tell his story on index cards which he held up for all of us to read. He showed one card at a time as he revealed his thoughts and feelings on how he cheated death several times and how each time he managed to survive when it seemed grim. He also pauses at times and smiles. In smiling he truly reveals a human quality that is so beautiful and as you watch you can't help but feel for him knowing that he had passed away on Christmas day, 2011. The video was made the week before and you would never know he was dying. He seemed like a typical teenager with hopes and dreams and a charming way about him.

The first time he reveals he experienced a near death experience was as a young child of 4 years old after having a very serious and life threatening seizure. He said he was diagnosed with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy which is a condition that causes blood flow to and from the heart to be restricted because of thickening heart tissue. It is a serious condition and can result in premature death. The sad reality for Ben and his family was that it was certain Ben would not live a long life due to his illness and he tried to live and accept his situation under the extraordinary circumstances. You could not help but shed a tear watching his video knowing he had already died but displayed such courage and hope. He also revealed in his near death experiences that he saw visions of bright light and felt an incredible peace. He has inspired so many with his incredible videos that have struck a chord with all who watch them . He also had a youtube page and a blog where he shared his thoughts and feelings on life and on his diagnosis.

I have seen a handful of videos made by others in tribute to Ben and was touched by two made by girls who also have personal battles of their own and you could see how they were deeply touched by his videos. One of the girls has only one arm and a stub where the other would be and she does not reveal this until the very end of the video after she shares her thoughts and feelings in her own words on index cards without speaking. She also praises Ben and sheds a tear for him and also shares her beautiful smile like Ben. The other girl also did a similar video where she shares her story of living with depression and how she was also inspired by Ben's story. She too does not speak as she relates her story on index cards as well and shares it with the viewers. I was touched by their stories as well and by how much they were affected and inspired by Ben. It really warms your heart and makes you realize how one person can touch so many and have such a profound impact.

I believe that Ben has been taken away early in his life because he was so very special and I believe he is an extraordinary person who has given us all a beautiful gift in revealing his life experiences and his message of hope. I pray for him and for his family that they will be strong and will get through this difficult time. I believe they will find healing in the power and beauty of their son's message and will continue to be touched by the worlds response to their son's beautiful videos. I believe they will also be inspired by their son's message and feel comforted knowing that their son is at peace and is now protected by God.

Ben is an inspiration to all. May he rest in peace.

Edward D. Iannielli III