Our son is 16 years old and struggles daily with autism since age 3. I identify with my son for different reasons. I'm transgender knowing since age 4. Emily.
Hi, My name is Emily and I was born a boy but in my heart I knew I was a girl since age of 4. I am going through male to female transition at 52 and seen by doctors at Callen-Lorde for my trangender issues and doctors at Beth Israel for my emotional issues and severe depression. I had to come to terms with my transgender and finally knew what I had to do all along since I was a little 4 year old girl trying to free herself and live the life she was meant to as Emily though she was born as Ed.
Life is not perfect but we must try to do our best and now I am out of work on disability I am now acting as Matty's advocate for his autism, educational, medical and personal needs which I need to do. Matty is now my full time labor of love. He is touched by Autism. I am touched by Transgender,
I am a CPA practicing in the state of New York and I am currently on disability for severe depression and also now finally coming to term with my gender dysphoria which I struggled with since the age of 4 years old. I have had family tragedies and suffered from intense shyness and painful isolation due to my deep rooted feelings that I was really a "girl" and I knew since the age of 4. I always wanted to wear dresses and girl's shoes and i cried many times but somehow with the love of my family and my dedication to school and sport and my feel of having to overcompensate I managed to study Mechanical Engineering at a prestigious university, Virginia Tech which sadly had a shocking tragedy on April 16, 2007 where a gunman shot and killed 32 people and himself. I wish to not think of my school in that regard but back when I was a student and found the campus and school and community and town simply charming. I studied hard which was good actually and remember many late nights but I matured and learned despite my internal struggles. A few years after I followed up my education at Hofstra University near to where I started at Nassau Community College where I studied Engineering Science. I knew Hofsta University had a good business school so I wanted to enhance my engineering background with a business degree and studied Accounting and took the review course which led me to obtaining my CPA license upon passing the exam in New York State.
I have always been dedicated to all my educational pursuits and maintained that same dedication. loyalty and responsibility to my working career as an engineer and as an accountant. I kind of struggled all my life though with shyness and had a difficult time assuming leadership roles because of my shyness and my transgender situation which I kept inside virtually all my life until I reached a breaking point. I am a human being with feelings, emotions, pain but I always pushed myself to be my best as engrained in me by my loving parents who both struggled with depression and sadly became victims to it.
A fathers sentiments on Autism
I now have a family which I always wondered about because of my unique situation. I am lucky to have a wonderful wife who is trying her best to understand me and is consumed as I am with our son who is autistic and struggles as we try to find the most appropriate school for him. I am now able to act as his advocate full time and make all the important phone calls that I was unable to do in the past due to hectic work schedules. Now I am making the most of my situation and also writing to help me cope with my isolation and updating my CPA website and social media sites. I found a way to use my time as I also meet with my doctors at Beth Israel, meet with my son's school officials and my good friend Carly who I view as a friend who is representing me as an adviser to help us avoid foreclosure on our house, a modest house I overpaid for and which has gone down in value significantly.
I am a CPA and I have the credentials and the background and most importantly the experience as a working professional. I do value my family and need to spend more time with my son because sadly I feel we have no choice but to have him placed in a residential school for his own well being but deep down in my heart it will be one of the hardest things we will have to deal with but the bottom line is we only want what is best for our son so he does not wind up having to live the rest of his life in a group home.
I will continue to hold on and live my life and try to be a solid support system for my son and maybe take my life in a new direction as Emily, as a writer, as a sweet person with a good heart, as a transwoman, as an advocate for my son, for autism, for myself, for the transgender and LGBT communities and mostly for my family. I love my wife and son and they will always be the best part of my life despite my internal struggles.
I will also still dedicate myself as a professional CPA as I always have but now I need to heal and just do all I can for my son because when I am on my deathbed I will not think about work and how I could have done better. I will be thinking about my son and praying that I did all I possibly could for him. Work and career are important bur the quality of one's life and the time they spend with their children and family are the most important priorities and when you are raising an autistic child the need to spend meaningful and quality time with them is all the more important.
It's sad I have to learn this now in my early 50's. My son is 14, autistic and the most important priority in my life. The accounting and trying to make a living is equally important but health and family have to always reign supreme. I now know that as I had an emotional and nervous breakdown that opened my eyes and made me realize what life should be about which is your children and doing all you can to help them cope in life. It is a tough world out there and that is why suicide for some is the only solution as it was for my dad sadly. We are still trying to cope with the loss and my son especially as he loved grandpa. A wonderful father, grandfather and dedicated ironworker and devoted family man who struggled with depression. Life is not easy but it is what it is and we try to make our presence known and the ones we love we try to touch them and if we leave them as we know is inevitable we surely have to plan for their security and safety so we can truly go in peace.
Dedicated to my wife, my son, my family and all who touched my life!
My name is Emily and I am a father of an autistic son. I was born male and given the name Edward D Iannielli III which I was always proud of because my loving parents named me after my dad and grandfather. The sad reality though is I knew I was a "girl" since the age of 4 and it has been a lifetime struggle for me but I managed to do well in school, participate in sports and make some good friends. I never revealed my transgender struggles hiding it and keeping it bottled up which later I came to realize was extremely unhealthy. I learned to cope and go on to college to study Mechanical Engineering at Virginia Tech and later obtained an Accounting degree at Hofstra. I started working as an Engineer for several years then shifted gears and obtained my CPA license and started working as an accountant in public and private. I recently had an emotional breakdown for many reasons and am transitioning from male to female. I also married in 1997 and my wife gave birth to our son Matty in 1998 which was the best moment in our lives. Matty is very special to us as he has been diagnosed with Autism at age of 3 and with mental illness at age of 11. He is 14 now and we are trying to help our son get the proper schooling he deserves and now that I am out of work due to my crippling depression and suicide ideation which I have been hospitalized for and now am being treated for outpatient care at Beth Israel.
I attached a link that will express what life is like for Matty being autistic and struggling to fit in. My heart goes out for him and I am trying my best to advocate for my son and hopefully with the assistance of the school district find him a residential school where hopefully he will adapt to and thrive in with his studies, participation and socialization. He is entitled to an education up to age 21 due to his disability and we are going to do all we can to help him obtain one and hopefully see him improve and find something that will interest him and spark him to want to continue learning and growing. We love our son and want to do all we can for him. We always will and we always have. Matty is a very special young man and we love him and want to see him smile and find his happiness and make valuable friendships. Most of all we want him to accept and love himself. He deserve to just like I do. We all must accept ourselves for who we are and never let others hurt or make fun of us. We have to be strong, have courage and and be determined to follow through on all we need to; to ensure our happiness, dignity, honor and be our true selves. With loving dedication to my son, Matty and my wife who has stuck by the both of us. We are truly blessed. Love, Emily
I remember as a child, as a teenager and growing into early adulthood having worries and feeling scared at times for various reasons including family financial struggles and the declining health of my parents. I also realize many of my worries were attributed to my own insecurities brought upon by my inner struggle with being transgender. I did not know the medical term at that time but I knew I was different. In my heart I felt I was a girl from as young as I can remember with my earliest recollection being at the age of 4 so it is hard for me to compare my fears and insecurities with my son's fears and insecurities. He is a teenager who has his own personal struggles and as a baby was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome since the age of 2 years old. It was a difficult "pill" to swallow for us as parents because we want our son to have a life filled with joy, happiness, friendships, self confidence and a high self esteem.
The reality we face as a family is far from normal and I believe this weighs heavily on all of us and given my son's sensitivities and social difficulties it makes us constantly worried for him and very concerned for his future. We as parents always want the best for our son and would do anything in our heart for him. It is just the natural instinct of protecting our son. We always want to shield him and take proper precautions so we don't affect him in ways that would cause him unnecessary pain or stress.
One of the most difficult things I ever had to deal with in talking to my son about was telling him what happened to his beloved grandpa who he bonded with throughout his young childhood. It was a joy for me to see my son smile and my dad smile when they spent time together. It was very special and as I think back to those wonderful times I just can't help but cry. They are now distant memories that bring a tear to my eyes and occasionally a smile too which helps lift my spirits when I need it. Sad day for the Iannielli family
When I learned of my dad's tragic and violent death of being hit by a speeding train, presumed a suicide, I was going through an emotional crisis feeling every possible emotion I could feel mixed with terrible and sustained guilt. It only seems normal to feel this way. My son could not be told the truth so we had to protect him and just have him understand that Grandpa would no longer be able to visit with him any more. My story of dealing with our current situation
Eventually our son found an article of what happened and it was very painful for the both of us as I had to tell him that his grandpa was not feeling well and had suffered from depression. I told him that life is never perfect and at times we will encounter pain and sadness including loss of our loved ones. It was an emotional time for the both of us and after talking to my son he surprised me by saying the following, "Daddy, I know it is very sad and painful but I also know that Pop is now with the angels and is smiling and happy to be with grandma again." Matty really was very understanding and very compassionate and I knew he was wiser than I ever could imagine as he comforted me more than I did for him.
The sad part of life is that there are times we face when it seems like everything is going wrong for us and we are suffering as a result. Sometimes we have no control over our situation and sometimes we do have control. Living today I have come to understand that stress and discontent apparently are a part of life we wished we never had to contend with but the reality is stress is a major part of our life and even affects our children and no matter how hard we try we still feel like we have not achieved all we had hoped for or still wish to. USA Today article in 2009 of children and stress
I currently find myself out of work in one of the worst job markets I can recall after losing my job in a traumatic fashion; I am facing threatened foreclosure with the mortgage company; I am severely depressed having been hospitalized three times recently; I am trying to deal with my internal struggle I knew I would eventually have to face without hurting my family balancing my male and female lives; I face untold discrimination in the job market as male to female transgender when and if I am able to bounce back and work again and I am trying my best to maintain optimism in a very stressful and difficult time for the entire family.
My wife and I are also raising an autistic son with his unique challenges knowing he has a great deal of emotional struggles which affects all of us. Therefore at home I present always as his dad though my hair is starting to grow long and my hormone regiment is starting to take effect with some evident change which is helping me in dealing with my gender dysphoria. The reality however is I must shield my personal struggles and recent setbacks from my son as best I can. It is something I never wanted to inflict on anyone, especially my son. It just seems transgender individuals can never truly find peace and the stresses of life sometimes can be so overwhelming that a person's point of desperation could sadly lead to suicide. My Hubpage writings
For many years I worked very hard and diligently and provided for my family. We still had to deal with stress and make sacrifices but we were able to manage and I felt reasonably secure in providing for my family as I always have even though I had to settle for less salary to help reduce work stress so I could focus more on my son's needs. Then the insecurities of a poor job market, a bad economy, a depressed stock market and a severe decline in home valuation started to take its toll on my outlook.
It just seems there is no real progress being made due to the family stresses and our son's constant depression and sad outlook on life. He has many medical professionals treating him since he was young but it seems he still struggles daily and it can partially be attributed to my personal situation which I feel tremendous guilt over. This is hard for any kid to have to deal with and since my son is autistic it makes it even harder. The sad reality for me is I feel I really have no other choice but to accept my situation as transgender and face it with courage and be truthful to myself for my own happiness since I have been suffering emotionally all throughout my life. It just seems so sad that we have to live with such pain and burden when all we ever hope for in life is our happiness, our health and our ability to take care of our family providing them the love and support they need. Kidshealth.org
Matty does also exhibit a side of him that is very creative and he is very empathetic and wishes to put forth his best effort in things that interest him and has contributed to writing in his blog called "Matty's Blog" and has created some videos showcasing his blog, my blog and my hubpages and I am very proud of him for his enthusiasm, his promotion of our writings and his desire to educate others. He really is a very special kid and I feel very blessed to have him as a son. I just wished things could be better for the family.
Why does life have to be so difficult, so stressful and so painful not just for us as parents but for our children as well? I just wish life could be more enjoyable then it seems. Now I can understand why some of us succumb to these pressures and feel the only way out is to end the pain through suicide. The sad irony of this is that the ones left behind have to live with it for the rest of their lives and that is not what the intent is. It's a heartbreaking situation and people in crisis truly need help and children who are struggling and threaten suicide must be taken very seriously because kids too feel pain and stress too unfortunately. That is the sad reality of life. We want our children to have a better life than we have but as we struggle we feel our children will as well. When will life be what it should be which is peaceful, enjoyable and filled with happiness and laughter? Sadly I don't believe this is possible since we have to also suffer with pain whether it is physical or emotional. That is truly what we have to face in our life as well as the happy times. Life is not nor could it ever be perfect. It is a gift but it is also filled with stress, worry and concerns which is something we can't avoid.
the times we are alone
can be helpful as we all need some time to ourselves to reflect and find
what is most important in our life which for most of us are our family
and the times we spend with our children. that is why it is important to
spend as much time with your children and plan fun things together
because time is fleeting and one day you will wish you had the
opportunity to be there more often for them.
the difficult part of feeling alone is the painful isolation and the
struggle with depression. i truly believe as we get older we are more
prone to depression and feelings of loneliness and that is very
difficult to cope with. facing reality may be one of the toughest things
we have to deal with and when faced with adversity and struggling with
emotional and internal pain only complicates matters.
the
things that make me happy are the outings with my son, seeing my son
smile, the dining out with my wife and family on those special
occasions, taking family trips, presenting my true self, wearing pretty
clothes, feelings of accomplishment, finding acceptance, making a
friend, walking by the seashore, listening to the golden oldies,
remembering the fun times of my childhood, feeling love within the
family even if it is dysfunctional and learning that we all are special
in our own way and despite our differences we are each unique and should
never feel ashamed.
it is quite a struggle when as a small
child you feel different and that something is not right but you have no
one to talk to and you keep it inside. It really is a very painful
experience to go through life struggling constantly with your gender
identity and making it seem like everything is fine when deep down you
are crying and feeling lost, alone and very isolated. many transgender
people sadly don't really get to realize their true selves with all the
obstacles they face. it is a tragedy when someone who is transgender
faces rejection, abandonment of family, friends, employers and as a
result for many, their hopes, dreams and goals are thwarted due to
ignorance and societal standards and pressures that the only way to end
their pain is to take their life. It is a fact that transgender
individuals suffer all throughout their life and for some it is just too
much to bear that they decide they can't go on and they lose the will.
Why is it so hard for society to understand that sometime a child born
male anatomically is really female in their mind, heart and soul. To me
it makes perfect sense because that is how i felt all my life and i
lived in secrecy, in pain and in denial and it just is a very sad
situation.
for many transgender they live their life with
a painful secret and try to fit the mold they were born into and carry
on with their lives finding love, having a career, raising a family and
being what society says they should be. The issue with this is that not
everyone born male feels comfortable as male. on the outside they are
but on the inside they are female and spend their whole life struggling
with this until they come to accept themselves and finally transition to
finally be set free. I remember when I was just a kid how wonderful i
felt putting on a dress and sleeping under the covers the whole night
with it on. only i knew it and it was something i had to keep my biggest
secret. i felt so happy and knew i was a girl in every way inside and
had to face the painful reality that i had to be raised a boy and i
cried and hurt inside but i tried my best to cope and live a normal
life. i must say that i have been blessed with having a family of my
own. i have a supportive wife who realizes this is real and a son who i
love and will always try my best to be their for him and i have felt
tremendous guilt springing this on my family because i never wanted to
ever hurt anyone. Suicide and depression
i am comfortable presenting as a female and i
will live this way for the rest of my life because that is who I am. i
have touched people as they have touched me with their acceptance and I
also have been shunned by people who just can't accept or understand it.
i don't judge others and i never did. only God can judge us and so i
live the life i feel is right for me and that is dressing in pretty
clothes, wearing lite makeup, taking care of my skin and finally getting
my hair styled in a female style as i am growing it out and hopefully
can put the wig aside. Transgender
i also have a commitment to my family
and must forge on despite the recent setbacks i have recently faced
after losing my job and losing a sense of myself and winding up in
different hospitals on 4 separate occasions within the past 3 months due
to my depression and transgender issues i struggled with for my whole
life. i have always been a strong person but it was a quiet strength and
it kept me going and i must summon that strength because when you are
faced with the reality of possibly losing your house and realizing that
it is going to be very difficult finding a job being transgender even as
a professional that i desperately have to focus on my depression which
for me has been chronic and very painful. i was good at hiding it but
since i hit 50 it became harder and harder for me to keep my gender
identity secret and realized it was now or never and for me i did not
want to go to my grave never being true to myself. to me that would be
very tragic. i am doing all i have to so i can heal but it will take
time and i must rely on services that will help protect my family. Emily's reviews on Yelp!
my son is my most precious gift and i wish for him to find his way and
happiness in life and although he is diagnosed with autism he can do
many wonderful things. I had to hide my whole life and pretend and i
would never want that to happen to my son. Boy's town hotline for families in crisis
life is to be
lived, to be shared, to learn, to achieve, to take responsibility, to
feel pain, to feel joy, to work, to have fun, to marry, to raise
children, to buy a house, to be true to oneself and to find your
happiness.
we come into the world welcomed and loved by family and hopefully leave this world loved, respected and accepted by family.
life is to be lived but once so find who you are and be your very best.
