Saturday, November 28, 2009

Autism and finding solace from writing.

Did you ever have a desire to write and you tried to sit at the computer and tried to find an idea to give you a lead to a story and just felt it was a futile effort? You tried to start a sentence or even a title and you just had no sense of what you were trying to start or accomplish. I have tried on occasion when I was younger to write but realized back then I did not approach it the right way because then I would try to take on the writing with no real agenda or plan in mind and I would easily get discouraged and give up before I even started. The one thing I learned with the experience of writing my blog is that if I allow myself to think of a title or an idea that I have a connection with and can relate personal experiences then I can sit at the computer with the intention of writing and the words seem to flow. I do not think it over when I write. I just let the words flow and then I structure it and personalize it to give it an emotional touch. I have written many responses to videos on YouTube with my personal feelings and have written many personal threads on websites that gave me the practice and interest in writing and it seemed I started to touch people with the words I wrote. I really was just expressing myself and relating personally to the subject matter and I would get positive feedback from my comments and writings.

I became fairly active on my facebook account and enjoyed writing and posting and when I learned of my father's tragic death in mid April 2009 I needed a forum to write my feelings as I was going through them. I was having a difficult time and was very sad and depressed and I needed to find some form of comfort and distraction and facebook gave me that and I used it as a means of posting writings and videos in tribute to my dad. I started to get replies of sympathies and words of encouragement and support from my facebook friends and I was very touched by the outpouring of well wishers. It made me able to deal with my sadness and depression and gave me strength and encouragement to try my best to move on. As I started to get back to some form of normalcy I realized the power of writing and posting as it did help me and gave me a sense of purpose and I enjoyed the experience of writing my thoughts and feelings down and showing my emotion and showing that I am a person with feelings and by opening up I would feel a sense of relief.

As I went back to normal postings on my facebook account and writing less I felt something was missing and I started thinking how nice it would be to write about things in my life that are important to me and where I could share my feelings in a forum and in some way find help from the experience and also try to help others by sharing my experiences. At this point I had not yet figured out the type of forum I would write in but I figured it was only a matter of time. One Sunday I was on AOL and I came upon a story of a man who was dying of cancer and was writing his farewell to his family, his wife and 2 children and it was a blog named Thumping my Melon and it was a very sad and poignant compilation of his writings in a diary format and I then realized how I would start my writing in a conventional forum. The sad reality of that blog I was referring to was that the man writing his farewell did die and his family had his writings and an excerpt I read from the story was where he said his goodbyes and wished his wife and children his very best and told his wife that after she grieved for him that he wanted her to move on and find someone to love again. He was giving her his blessings and I was very touched by it.

Another reason I wanted to write was because when I learned my father died by committing suicide by jumping in front of a speeding train and left no note or anything it really was very disturbing to me with so many unanswered questions and we did not know what to think. Was it a suicide? Was it an accident? Was he in the right frame of mind? Why didn't he talk to us? If it was suicide as indicated on his death certificate it just makes me feel so very sad for him. I know my dad had a very difficult life and felt lonely but he had all of us to support him and he was so good with all his grandchildren. That is why the reality of his death by his own actions is so hard to deal with because he was such a wonderful person. Dealing with death is hard enough but when dealing with suicide it is so much more difficult to deal with and I have gone through so much emotional pain seeing my mother wither away. It just is so devastating to have to deal with such tragedy with both parents. One very slowly and one very sudden.

As I started my blog I wanted to start it on a happy note so I decided I would start it with the birth of our son and would focus on autism as that is central to our life with Matthew and because we are dealing with it on a daily basis and because I am inspired by my son's courage and his spirit and that inspiration gives me the inspiration to write and chronicle our experiences and his experiences. I do write of other matters in my blog that come up which is part of life and I also write about my dad, my mom, my wife, my sisters and about me. I am trying my hardest to make it interesting and I am writing with emotion and all my writings are completely truthful with some related from my memories of years ago. I am planning to write for a long time because I am so very proud of Matthew and I am looking forward to the day he graduates high school, starts college and embarks on a career and one day finds that special girl in his life. Maria and I are so happy to be here together with our son and though he may not be perfect he will always be in our eyes and we will certainly see that we write about all his experiences with autism and with life.

With Love,

Edward D. Iannielli III

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Please feel free to read my writings and leave a kind message or suggestion. Thank you. Emily